Boundaries Are The New Black: How to Practice the Art of Saying “No”
Here’s to my life lessons in setting and honoring boundaries a.k.a. my lessons in growing older…
Image by Bailey R Photo.
When I was in high school, I thought I wanted to be an actress (so glad that didn't work out, I am a terrible actress LOL). Anyways, in acting and improv classes they teach you this thing called "yes, and." It's an exercise that when performing with other actors and they say something, your response needs to be a "yes, and" and the point of this is to keep the show going. Because if you say, “no” you’re cutting off the other actors from adding to the scene.
It's a great skill to learn, but I've learned it's not always realistic to everyday life. I've discovered that I have been the "yes, and" girl for a long time because I was afraid to 1) disappoint people by saying no and 2) miss out on something really great. Don’t get me wrong, “yes, and” has lead to where I am now and I wouldn’t take any of it back. But now that I am here, I’ve learned that there is gratitude and health in saying no, too. A little over a year ago, I felt a stirring in my heart that I needed to make space for new things and in doing so, I needed to learn how to let go of the old things and get better at making my yes mean yes and my no mean no.
And boy, this was not as easy as it sounds. I learned (and am still learning) that my identity in life is not in doing it all. I can do it all, but it doesn’t have to be all right now. My relationships have changed, and my relationships with the things in my life have changed too because of this new mindset.
In one week, I had said no to 12 amazing things: clients, job offers, photoshoots, creative projects, trips, speaking opportunities and it was equally hard and yet so freeing. I didn’t say no, just for the sake of saying no, but I said no because it wasn’t an easy yes for me. I realized that I’ve hurt people and myself when I don’t set good boundaries with yes and no’s. When I’m not honest upfront and follow my gut feeling when an opportunity presents itself, it just leads to resentment and self-loathing later. I’ve decided that if it’s not an honest yes, upfront, it’s a resentful yes later.
And I have found a lot of opportunity in the word “no” because it can redirect my path, sometimes no just means not now, or means there is a better yes to come. In making new space over this past year, I’ve been able to say yes to some very wonderful things in my life that never would have happened had I filled it with so many insincere moments of yes.
Some notes I’ve made to myself along the way in my journey:
You don’t need to monetize every hobby.
You don’t need to do every experience just for your resume.
It’s okay to say no.
It’s a privilege to say no.
So, I don’t have advice on if you should say or yes or no to something as it really depends on the season you are in. All I know so far is this: Let some seasons be filled with yes, let some seasons be filled with no, and let some seasons be filled with both. Just don’t let your motivations in these seasons be solely trying to please everyone around you and exclude yourself.
Moral of the story: sometimes the show doesn't need to go on with a “yes, and.” And that's okay. So if you're the over-committer type, I’m here to tell ya it's okay for that show to end, bow out, and call it a day. That's all.
